Lemonade

Hello.

I wonder if live life to the fullest even make sense right now.

Blogging seems so different on the iPhone and on the computer.

I deeply regret.

Maybe I should just let life suck the fuck out of me. Maybe someday everything will be alright. But right now I just wanna lie flat on my bed and cry. Cry because I'm too lousy, too lousy for anything, for anyone.

Feel like crap after every scolding. Like seriously scold all you want right now I don't give a shit anymore. My mum's turning me into vulgargirl1995 right now. Feel like stabbing myself. Feel like dying.

Tomorrow will not be a better day. Don't even wanna stay up to catch 11:11 because come on you know they don't exist.

Ever wonder why people spend so much time and money on a relationship? Have they ever thought that maybe all these investment will amount to nothing when either party (or both sides) lose faith in one another and the thread that holds both hearts together snaps suddenly? Isn't it scary how (I shall repeat) everything you put in, all the efforts you've made to keep something going will amount to nothing? What's the point of trying in the first place then?

Maybe that's the reason why I refuse to let myself be the fool again. No matter how much I like someone, the unforeseen pain is just lingering around me waiting for me to reach my peak before landing on me. Life's that cruel to me right now. Can't wish for anything good to happen cos all good things come to an end.

But nonetheless you're the best thing that's happened to me this year. I would start singing "mine" by Taylor Swift but then it'll be inappropriate, cos obviously, you're not mine to keep.

Am convinced that no one, nothing, no relationship, even friendship is built to last. Can I just let this two years past like a vacuum and leave this place so we'll never have to see each other again. Saves us all the heartache crap.

Realised that I'm such a pessimist. it's too difficult to open up to someone, especially if you fear that that particular person has some deep dark secret that's too scary to be told.

Noticed how I always compare a situation to the ideal scenario I make up in my head. Should really stop doing that. Nothing is perfect, and no one has the wonderful ability to read my mind and figure out whatever I'm thinking. Really. Who'll even bother doing that? Such a waste of time.

Am going to wallow in self pity right now. Actually not really wallowing, it's more like, thrust into a state of utter despair. Lol no just a state of depression that's all.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll be better, or at least I should attempt to masquerade the pain. Amazing how I've been able to do that. Like typing one long message then figuring that I don't want the person to know too much, or I don't want to be seen as a melodramatic queen or whatever thus deleting every single word I have painstakingly typed out. Like smiling even though parts of me are slowly dying on the inside.

Funny how my eyes always search for you in a crowded room. I need to find ideality. Having said that nobody's perfect. Is it wrong to wanna change someone?

Is this post too abstract? Sorry.

Good night.

Joyce.

Fuck.

"I think that one of the biggest reason why relationships do not work out in the long run is because at one point, one side (or both) stops trying. Before one claims another person as their significant other, they would do anything to make that person happy. They would chase, they would flirt, they would be charming. They would send daily morning and goodnight texts every time you wake up or go to sleep. They would write corny messages and pick up lines just to make sure that there is a smile upon your face. But once they claim you as theirs, all of those things eventually stop. The 5 page texts slowly turn into 1. The constant calls turn into not calling at all. And the lovely endearments turn into daily arguments. In order for a relationship to work, don’t ever stop chasing. Just because the person you want is now consider “yours”, it does not mean they deserve anything less than the time when you’re trying to win them over."

Hello.

I have nothing to say right now. Don't know why I got so worked up over trivial stuff. Maybe because it actually meant something... What am I saying. Nothing.

Just let my phone buzzed cos I didn't feel like looking at the texts.

On a side note, I think stuff on Tumblr makes a lot of sense (look at above photo and paragraph).

I feel sad. Shoe shopping is saddening with restricted choices and annoying comments. Lazy people and dissatisfaction too. Okay lor, I have nothing to say. Whatever. Shall never go shopping with you again unless I need your cash. Sigh.

Didn't know girls liking Mickey Mouse = childish. Didn't know pink is the official childish colour. Seriously. How is pink even remotely childish? HOW? Someone please enlighten me. Walked past Uniqlo today. Saw all their Mickey tees, and I was like ohmygosh it's mickey -swoon. "You better stop liking Mickey okay so childish you are not a child anymore."

GOOD NEWS GUYS I AM NO LONGER MY MOTHER'S CHILD. -Rejoice.

But then I bought the Mickey version of Hello Panda... Must have pissed my mother off. Oh wells.

On a mugger note, I bought Starbucks coffee. Time for a night of studying. Wonder if I can even make it past 11pm.

Omnom,

Joyce.

Woah.

Today I had a good laugh during lunch.

We were talking about PMS. Hahaha. And unlike those at the table I PMS at like day 14 of the menstrual cycle. So we were all imagining... How I would get all cranky during that time... And somehow... That's the time my husband and I should be uhm, trying for a child.

So I, being Joyce said "your sexual position is not right la what the hell."

And then I was like omg what did I just say?!? Hahaha. I think it was super epic. I miss being in an all girls school where such conversations were part of my daily school life. Hahah. It's super epic to talk about such stuff don't you think? But in a mixed school, life's too different, I can't tell a guy I got my period, although I did do that to him you must be super close to say such stuff right? So yeah...

And in a girls school we scream and shout like nobody's business I can't recall an incident when I screamed or shouted like a maniac in NJC.

Life's too different. I need to go back. Cedar fiesta!!!!!!!!!! Probably gonna go back with Nicole, unless she bails on me, then there's Kiran too! Hahah he wants to go cedar fiesta idk why. But it's cool the more the merrier!!! And Kiran and Nicole should know each other please, same school eh heh.

Idk if I should ask my JC friends, like Qi Xun. I should introduce him to the place where I had the time of my life. Lol. But it'll be weird for him I guess cos he doesn't know anyone. Okay never mind then.

Must go cedar fiesta. MUST. I need cedar.

Oh and you know what? I went to the university room this morning. I stared and read the poster. Then I thought to myself, will this really work? Not whether I can get into the school, but something else.

Am really certain in this modern day and age true love is a myth. I doubt anyone's willing to wait that long for someone. For me I don't think I'll be able to find a guy in Singapore. He must be god if he waited for me. I'm not saying one-two months, I'm talking about years.

My life, if everything runs smoothly, has been properly planned by me. After NJC, I'll definitely be going abroad to further my studies. What if I get too committed to something or someone that I refuse to let go? Will this make me give up one thing, Iike sacrifice one for the other? I know I can't have the best of both worlds. No guy I meet now will in the right mind wait for a girl for 7 years unless he's god.

I don't wanna end up in a heartbreak state, neither do I want you to be in one. I believe you'll meet better people, I'm just not the right one. Can't stand how your perseverance makes me feel like fuck. Because 1. There's nothing I can do to make it up to you for your almost wasted efforts and 2. I know I'll feel like fuck the day you choose to give up.

People will say whatever they can to get what they want, but after getting what they want, they start to question if they can live without it. I think the relationship the guy and girl had in 那些年 is perfect. The guy just woos the girl and the period of wooing is usually the most fun one. Getting together at the end is a totally different story.

So... What should I do now???

Usually at a time like this I follow the Drake and Josh analogy of a truck. What do you do when you see a truck coming towards you? You avoid it to prevent it from hitting and hurting you. If you were the truck in my life, I would avoid you. Now I don't really wanna avoid you... Do I?

Sigh,
Joyce.

Green heart;

Hello.

I feel really sad right now. Ooo big shocker there why am I blogging about my emotions.

I deleted my tagboard. I figured no one reads my blog anymore, at least no one bothers to tag even though technically they should do it each time they visit. But whatever, I can't be bothered. Anyways if someone really wanted to leave a comment they can just literally leave a comment at the comments part at the end of every post. Hoopla.

But other than that, yes I feel kinda sad right now. It's really hard don't you think? I'm sick and tired of this facade. I'm sick and tired of hiding the pain. Why did I even bother to come up with such a resolution anyway? It's ridiculous, yet somehow I feel so secure with it. Like all my insecurities have been removed thanks to this one resolution, but is it even worth it?

Guess tonight will be a long night. Shall do biology, it's the only thing that keeps me sane. Then I'd probably write in Jerow. I guess I have emotions that are gonna burst right out of me right now, does that even make sense.

Why am I even on my Mac anyway? Time to stop slacking.

I remember the green hearts we used to send each other.

I remember the sweet texts you used to send me.

I remember how I can always go to you when I have something on my mind.

I remember how I used to cry while talking to you.

I remember how I used to protect you because I felt the need to.

I remember how you said you'll love me.

I remember how you wished me happy birthday at 11:11 because you were thinking of me.

I remember how we used to share our meals.

I remember how we used to talk excessively during Chinese class.

I remember how we first met.

I remember how I used to be super scared of you.

I remember how you dislike it whenever I said "never mind".

Maybe it's because I remember too much.

I remember how you hurt me.

Too much information.

Love,

Joyce.

Today;

Today Qi Xun made me sad and vice versa. I think what I said on the bus made him very happy. But he made me sad.

I inferred from his words that he wasn't genuinely happy when he took photos with me, cos he said something like he cannot smile in photos cos he isn't genuinely happy something like that. Means taking pictures with me isn't a happy thing. WTS lor no wonder most of the photos his head is down on the table. I should have guessed... Reluctance.

Then he became momo for like a good 10 minutes before telling me why he fell into a sudden state of depression. Of course I won't blog about it I'll leave my afterthoughts to Jerow hahah.

Oh and today he made me say fuck. I was seriously damn shock by his facial expression okay. Cos I jokingly said while he waits for me, I'll go date like other guys, something like that. And he gave me his killer you'd-better-not-do-that stare. I was like what the fuck was that for... And he smiled cos he finally made me say fuck hahaha. I wonder why that's something smile-worthy.

I wonder if everyone in the world give empty promises. One way or another, everyone does right? Really wonder if my insecurities will fuck my life up. Goodness.

But I guess it was nice being honest with him, didn't know how one guy can screw my life up, making me so afraid of opening my heart again. I thought such things didn't exist, like all the 'my heart doesn't want to be broken again' yada yada only exist in like dramas. Apparently it's real... Does this mean 'happily ever after' is for real too? Nah doubt it. Mehhh...

Always wish that I would have one boyfriend and one husband and they will be the same person. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I refuse to take a leap of faith. It's like, this kinda thing, you're never too certain or sure or confident right?

Talking to Qi Xun at the interchange is quite fun. Hahah. We talked about really random stuff, like real random. Hahaha.

"So did any fun/funny thing happen today?"
"Fun? Fun ah have... Now lor."

这些时间对我来说, 得来不易. Really wonder how long this will last. You know what's the line before this? Hahaha. If you watched secret you will know.

你说把爱渐渐放下会走更远
或许命运的尖只让我们遇见
只让我们相恋 这一季的秋天
飘落后才发现这幸福的碎片
要我怎么捡

不能说的秘密 - 周杰伦

Really scared I'd have to pick up the broken pieces again.

You know what? I really really like you a lot.

Too.

Whoops,
Joyce.

P/S is there a fine line between like and love?

Joyce

Hi.

Just realised how dumb I really am. I have to stop slacking. I need to buck up. Seriously Joyce you are damn lousy.

Anyways, there's this news that Remy Ong, this bowler, ran over a pregnant dog. I was like "what!?" when I read it. Like seriously. Who hits a dog then run away, only to return because his car plate fell off? And the fact that his car plate can fall off proves either the impact of the hit or that his car was manufactured poorly (I believe I read that he drives a Porsche though). How can he be so heartless!

It's precisely because people like him exist that pushes me to become a vet to save poor animals that die on the streets because their owners can't give a flying fuck about them. Can't care for the pet then don't own one! Don't act noble, seriously.

But since I'm self centered so back to me. How can I aspire to be a vet when I'm so dumb. Last time I read a vet needs to have straight As for A levels Doubt I can even attain a B. where did my motivation go? I need to find the room in NJC that has all the university information in there. I need to stand outside that room and stare deeply at the poster of my dream university. Do you think that that will ignite my passion? Lol doubt it, actually. I should just know where I stand, and stop dreaming of the impossible.

I'm going to bed now... I am officially brain dead. Inferiorgirl1995 beckons.

Sigh,
Joyce.

Peek-a-boo!

Hello.

I am tired. I want to sleep. But I have to fill up the council form... Or I can do it tomorrow. Seriously the council form should just self destruct online it's super annoying it makes me feel super good (yet super inferior) about myself how is that even possible? Honestly.

Today was productive I thought that I will never get things done because 1. I went for an air show, 2. my plans to study at Subway failed cos I ended up pigging and 3. I was pigging on the couch from the time I came home from the air show till like 6plus.

But in one night I finished Econs and Biology aren't I proud of myself? Hahah! Tomorrow shall be slack day for me hoopla. Unless the mugger in me wants to do Chemistry... Which is the only shit on my list right now.

I think my blog is getting boring. Like, where did all the interesting stuff go? To Jerow. Hahah! Whoops. Okay I shall post pictures of me and, uhm, potential, uhm, wall-breaker? Hahah! If you get what I mean. -Winks. I was camwhoring with him/myself after playing bridge with the OG/after they left.

Oh this was taken in the morning though. You see his face standard one.

And check this out I have a new profile picture. Can you believe I forgot to save the 9 consecutive shots I took of myself? I was damn sad okay.

But anyways he is my bus buddy. But my grandpa asked me why I always hang with my boyfriend (him) and I'm like LOL his comment was rather timely. Apparently girls can only have girl friends in my grandpa's eyes. But whatever I didn't want to quarrel with him, he's the older one and he's the one fetching me home to Pasir Ris at 11pm in the night. He wins.

Okay I really want to sleep. Things to look forward to next week: SOFTBALL TRAINING FYEAH (say "fyeah") and maybe Hagan Daaz with Nicole, like after road run. Can you imagine all the running for nothing? I should go eat Hagan Daaz real soon. My vouchers are expiring damn. Hagan Daaz is guilty pleasure, only can indulge once in a while how can I finish so many vouchers in less than a week!? Oh wells they will be wasted.

Sad things next week: I'm in a different class from Ying Mei, Meiqian and Nicole (they are in the same class though) I am supersadgirl1995. I am in 09, Ying Mei in 12, Meiqian and Nicole in 10. Qi Xun is in 19. Talk about distance. LOL.

Oh Qi Xun should go eat Hagan Daaz with me. He has never eaten Hagan Daaz before (or so he claims). He is a frog in the a well like a seriously. But no he's my Genius Yeo. -shakes head, too zai liao.

"If not for my inability to mug and memorize all your content, you just might have become one of the subjects I like."

Very funny...

(you know you)

Love,

Joyce.

Amazing

Hey.

It's amazing how I am trying to fight fatigue and watch the re-run of 潜行狙击 hahaha. But there's still the 8pm show... Saturday's the re-run. Oh no. And it's like I'll be out the whole day.. Oh wells.

Anyways, today was a really nice day, especially after lectures. I really like spending time with my OG mates. Really real fun.

I'll be going to my new class on Monday. It's really quite sad how bonded my OG has become, only to be separated. Well I believe that true friends will stay with me no matter what, right? Maybe this will tell me who they really are, whether my decision to not let my guard down no matter what was right... Or wrong.

It's really depressing how I can be so self deceptive at times...

Deleted my previous post because it was too attention seeking and redundant. Oh wells.

Going to the air show tomorrow... Or rather later. Hahah. Going to see my handsome corporal, super funny. But Nicole's not going to have lunch with me... Which means by afternoon I'll be all alone. Maybe I should go study, after all the expo is a pretty decent and quiet place. Should study econs, because my brain doesn't give a flying fuck about econs so I'll have to start from scratch, and I'll need a lot of time alone. Sigh dumb 就是 dumb, can't be help.

Alright, must focus on my show.

Bye.

The wall;

Hello.

It's not like me to be so lazy but I guess it's just me after all. Hahah what am I saying goodness.

Drank another cup of cucumber juice just now. And some weird medicinal herbal drink that was surprisingly palatable. I wonder how my grandpa will react when he figured that all his 神仙 drinks are no longer effective in this modern day and age hahah. Okay but I should learn to appreciate the thought.

Wonder when I'll fully recover. It's been too long. Can't stand how everytime I open my mouth I end up sounding like an old woman -coughs. And the throat hurts like crap seriously the pain should just poof! And disappear.

Oh and did I mention, I think I screwed up GP diagnostic test. Throw face already seriously. My A1 super undeserving. But I did the test together with this guy named... ... ... Qing Nan? That's what I heard he spoke too soft. His name reminds me of love boy. Hahah. But anyways apparently he's Qi Xun friend, they play table tennis together, although I think he's a little too tall for that sport.

So we happened to leave the same question blank, and I was super pressurized cos I feel the need to answer all questions (Mr Lim's guidance). So hahah must have amused him a little.

Anyways on to more serious stuff.. Had a mini HTHT with Rachel over whatsapp today during house session. Sigh...

My OG's gonna be separated soon. Normally I wouldn't be so affected cos I won't be so close to many. But somehow this ended off really differently. Not like as if different isn't good but it makes me wonder, a lot.

Somehow there's this glad feeling that I didn't break the wall even though I had the urge to do it. I need an NJC confidante after all. But I guess a time span of two weeks is too quick and my heart's judgement is always clouded by unnecessary emotions. So I guess it's for the best. But the more I don't put myself attached to someone the more I feel them drifting away from me as time creeps away.

It's like the same old thing: we grow close together, we have fun together, we text each other then suddenly you leave and I'm left stranded. Same kind, same school, I don't want the same tragedy. Too coincidental already. Somehow there's this "stay away from cat high guys" mindset in me, but right now I can't help it I'm surrounded by them whoops.

Doubt I can ever trust another again. It's not the same with cedarians that I know. NJC is just different. I can have fun and laughter with the people round me but at the end of the day it's just me and the four walls. It's hard to find a true friend. It's like my guard is always up and holding me back from speaking.

I don't wish my JC life to pass like some vacuum. Hopefully we'll still keep in touch, hopefully things will get better.

Speaking of things getting better, I'm going for softball trials tomorrow. I don't know if I will die but I really wanna go. Though that means that I will not be going for badminton at all whoops. But I really think that I'll die... My health is really like shit. Okay I have to nurse my health back, I have to go to the gym and get my stamina back!! Must, can, will!

Oh yeah Qi Xun made me a card. Hahah. Simplicity at its best. Sometimes I feel that the best gift is actually words from the heart (thus sometimes I wonder why I spend so much time and effort decorating the card when the words hold a deeper meaning). Oh wells. It's a Joyce thing. In any case I'm thankful to have met him, even though he was a cat high guy. Hahah pcccch.

And in any case I guess my wall will still be up, funny how strong it has lasted. Shall see who'll the first to make it crack. Till then... Well... Till then it'll still be around.


Good night,
Joyce.

you are my only dance partner.